Ants Ate My Earplugs!

On the dressing table next to my bed, I keep a pair of earplugs. I need these because I live next door to a small chapel, and the noise which comes out of that place first thing in the morning has to be heard to be believed.

Bear in mind that this chapel is roughly the size of a shoebox, and seats about 6 people (alright, it seats more than that, but that's usually the amount of people who actually show up for the service). Bear in mind that you could easily hear a mouse fart on the other side of the room. The 'church ladies' (this is a sort of unofficial club who derive great pleasure from sweeping the building, arranging the linens and fannying about with the fake flowers) insist on broadcasting their endless 'hail Marys' and tuneless hymns through a sound system, blasted out at top volume, and disturbing all the decent folk in the neighbourhood who are trying to recover from Saturday night's debauchery. Earplugs are essential, as it is completely impossible to sleep through this cocophony of noise.

Every week I wake up to what sounds like a family of rabid cats being strangled in a bathful of soapy water, together with the insane clanging of the chapel bell. This is not, as you might imagine, a nice melodious sounding bell. Oh no. It gives off a sound not unlike that of a large tin cooking pot being struck with a stick. At 7am.

At Christmas we get a special treat. For the 10 or so days leading up to the event they start this crap at 3am. Every day. And it goes on till at least 6am! One morning I could stand it no longer, and fell out of bed (looking like the Kraken) to go and bawl at the priest. "Doesn't is say in the bible that one should love thy neighbour? Where does it mention waking thy neighbour at that unholy hour of the morning?" He just gazed at me what that blank expression the clergy are so good at pulling when questioned about anything.

I'm not going to start at rant about the sanctimonious nature of certain religious folk, and how utterly inconsiderate they can be... oh hey, I already did! Suffice to say that they evidently believe that by behaving in this way they are scoring more 'Brownie points' with god, and will be rewarded accordingly on their judgement day.

So this morning, as per usual, I reached for my trusty earplugs only to discover that they had been invaded by sugar ants and were now full of little holes. Is there nothing these bloody ants won't eat??? It's bad enough that my books are full of termite tunnels (to say nothing of my floor), my roof leaks, my clothes are developing a strange musty smell (due to the raining season damp) there's gecko poo on top of the telly and last night I found a large hermit crab in my bathroom. Now my earplugs have been eaten too.

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